smoke

I’ve been meaning to write about you,

how you’re so much like smoke on my lips,

a release

 

I inhale and am filled

knowing that there is no way to keep each moment

expel

and watch curls around my finger from the death stick,

smile as we blow cares into the moonlight

I remember, we said “everything is temporary”

as we lit our fires

 

even then those words hung and haunted

now they ground me, I clutch them for sanity, for reason

To tell myself that I should have known

I should have expected this

 

but it seems reason has no home here,

or else I wouldn’t suck down cancer and notice only the pleasantries

harsh smoke wouldn’t make me want another, soothing hit

I wouldn’t choke on my thoughts when I try to tell you that you’ve hurt me

 

For lack of a better metaphor,

you’re like a cigarette and I’m trying to quit

I’m trying not to think of you on a beautifully lazy, sunny day

or in the deep calm of a late night

I crave you every time alcohol touches my lips

and I don’t want to dwell on how nice it would be to have my coffee with you

 

but I’m unsatisfied with or without you so what do I do

You seem satisfied, you say you are so could you teach me?

Could you give me at least that? My mind is spent

from all the arguing and consoling and believing we had to do

without your help,

you see relationships are meant to grow

but somewhere along the way you stopped standing so close

your smile was forced, your voice was cold

 

So I retreated into my own head, in hopes to understand

and by now you’d think I would,

friends, lovers, or nothing and we chose the former

but you didn’t get to see the glimmer

in your eyes when we saw your favorite band

or the expression in them when we would talk about the moon

 

but I guess that’s why you weren’t looking for those things in mine,

never realized that I just wanted to lay openly with you

carefree and as much ourselves as we know how to be

I thought we could be uncertain together

 

but maybe my heart does want too much and I know my lungs are greedy

but I want you to think of me when something makes you laugh

I want you to want your mouth and hands and shadow on me

but your point and middle fingers are occupied

and your tongue is dancing with that smoke between us

so I smile and sit closer, hoping you’ll see me as it clears

 

I remember, we said

“everything is temporary”

wistfully I repeat those three words in my head

as I watch my smoke dissipate

without yours to combine

 

and its not the same

Though I exhale

I find myself still waiting to truly release

and forgive, because everyone is who they are

and we aren’t who we are for each other

 

I can’t fault you for us not fitting

but I was so fixed on the way you nestled between my lips

that I didn’t notice when our smoke began to burn blue

that you had drifted away and I was still kissing you

 

I remember, we said

“things works out the way they’re supposed to”

 

so, thank you

for reminding me of what I look forward to

because I used to catch a glimpse of it with you

and I’m beginning to believe in it again, too

as the smoke clears

 

ss.

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